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DEAR ABBY: I’ve been married to my best friend for over two decades. She’s the center of my world, and we’ve weathered many storms together. Recently, we’ve been attending couples therapy for eight months after nearly splitting up last year due to an emotional affair I had seven years ago. Interestingly, she went through a similar situation last year.
We share everything, from our daily routines to our emotional lives. I’ve worked hard to be the best partner I can be—cutting back on daily drinking, adopting a positive, mindful attitude, and getting into great physical shape. I earn a good salary, contribute to household chores, cook dinners for the family, and manage our children’s schedules and activities.
However, there’s a significant issue: my wife has become physically distant. Beyond hugs and kisses, she’s not interested in intimacy, which occurs less than monthly. I feel isolated in my own home because I deeply crave touch and affection, yet receive none. I love my wife dearly and have no desire to be with anyone else. Our counselor suggests that things might improve “in time,” but how do I cope when feeling undesired and rejected every day? — FORGOTTEN HUSBAND IN THE SOUTH
DEAR HUSBAND: I empathize with your situation. It’s possible that, despite the love and friendship you share, your relationship might function better as a friendship than as a marriage. Since joint counseling hasn’t led to any change in your situation over the past eight months and you’re still feeling isolated, it might be beneficial to seek individual therapy. It seems that the current counseling isn’t providing the support you need.
DEAR ABBY: I’m struggling with my daughter-in-law, “Darlene,” and her lack of cleanliness. I contribute to household expenses by paying rent and helping with bills, yet she leaves the kitchen and other areas in a constant state of disarray. She clutters the sink with dishes daily and never washes the pots and pans, leaving the kitchen unusable for me. Despite not working and having ample free time, she creates chaos and waits for my son or me to clean up after her.
My son and I each work full-time. He does all the laundry, cleaning and cooking. If I say anything, Darlene gets defensive and makes all kinds of excuses why she can’t. (It’s sheer laziness.) If I say anything to my son, he defends her because she whines and cries about how “tired” she is and claims to have all kinds of illnesses (her stomach hurts, she’s on her period or just too tired). She stays up late every night and can’t wake up to get my grandson to school, so my son does it every day.
I’m at my wits’ end, but I don’t want to create an environment where Darlene will ignore me and turn my son against me. Help! — OUT OF BALANCE IN THE SOUTH
DEAR OUT OF BALANCE: You cannot change the unhealthy dynamic in your son’s household unless he and his wife agree to do so. From what you have written, that isn’t likely to happen. Be glad that you are fully employed, because the healthiest situation for you would be to make other living arrangements.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.