DEAR ABBY: I’m overwhelmed by “Barney,” my husband of 35 years. Two years ago, he decided to retire, but I am still very much part of the workforce and anticipate continuing for a few more years. For years, even before the COVID-19 pandemic, I’ve successfully managed working from home, which was not an issue until Barney stopped working. Upon his retirement, I had a talk with him about the importance of respecting my work boundaries. My office is upstairs, leaving him the entire downstairs area to enjoy without disruption during business hours.
Regrettably, Barney hasn’t been considerate of the boundaries I set. He often disrupts my work by calling me downstairs to assist him or by interrupting my office time for chats. He constantly asks about dinner plans and gets agitated if I’m still working past 5 p.m. He also insists on physical affection, which is challenging while I’m trying to work. During his career, he frequently worked late and on weekends without objections from me, yet now he doesn’t offer me the same courtesy or respect.
Initially, I attempted to devote more attention to Barney because of my love for him. Now his endless complaints have grown so unbearable, I find myself reluctant to spend any of my free time with him. I’ve lost interest in any physical affection. I’ve tried discussing this with him and suggested couples counseling, but he adamantly refuses.
While I generally consider myself a happy person, my time with Barney leaves me feeling sad, and I’m weary of this emotional burden. Although I’ve contemplated renting office space as a potential solution, it wouldn’t address the deeper issue of Barney’s lack of respect. — GIVE ME SPACE
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DEAR GIVE ME SPACE: A partial solution can still offer relief. Consider renting that office space. By reducing workday disruptions, you can better gauge the weight of the problem. With your work stress possibly out of the way, take a closer look at how Barney treats you and assess the necessary changes for your relationship. Despite his reluctance toward couples counseling, attending therapy on your own is still a viable option. You might acquire strategies to handle his disruptive behavior more effectively.
DEAR ABBY: My 40-year-old niece has lived in my sister’s basement for five years now. She has had many ups and downs since running away at 15, but she was able to get a degree in engineering, fly helicopters, etc., so she is intelligent. I don’t know why she has withdrawn to such a degree.
Should I ask my sister or brother-in-law how she is doing when I call? I feel it’s normal and natural that I ask, but the question always brings a painful silence followed by, “She’s figuring out her life.” She does not work or look for it, hides from the public, and behaves like a 16-year-old. Should I quit asking? — UNCLE IN THE DARK
DEAR UNCLE: If you do not ask how your niece is doing, it will appear that you do not care. So, the next time you speak to your relatives and your question is met with an uncomfortable pause, consider asking whether they would rather you not ask.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren. For nearly four decades, Jeanne Phillips penned the column, which was founded in 1956 by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at or P.O. Box 270135, Kansas City, MO 64127.