Peter Pan’s Neverland Nightmare (currently available for streaming on Peacock) is the latest addition to the “Twisted Childhood Universe.” This horror-themed series follows two Winnie the Pooh: Blood and Honey films. Just typing that out makes me feel like surrendering, much like a final girl in a horror story who’s on the verge of hopelessness and almost reconciles with her grim fate. But then, she finds courage, takes a deep breath, and turns the tables on her killer. Similarly, here I am, having just watched this strategically disturbing and gory adaptation of J.M. Barrie’s cherished novel Peter Pan—and its many film and TV interpretations. The “TCU” masterminds, Rhys Frake-Waterfield and Scott Chambers—who directs this installment—are practically imploring me to liberally use the word “pan” with strong disdain.

The Gist: Neverland was an idyllic paradise—until harsh reality came crashing in! This legendary realm of eternal youth exists solely in the imagination of Peter (Martin Portlock), a seemingly innocent clown who presents Cute Little Timmy (Holden M N Smith) in the audience with a balloon animal that DOOMS HIM. Or so it seems. That night, Peter channels his inner Pennywise, chatting with Timmy from a crack leading to the cellar before abducting him. Cute Little Timmy is to become Peter’s new Lost Boy, although the exact details of this are best left unknown. Despite giving Peter a slice of his cheek, Timmy’s mother falls victim to a gruesome scalping, bidding farewell as the plot jumps forward in time.

FIFTEEN YEARS LATER. The Darling household prepares for young Michael’s (Peter DeSouza-Feighoney) birthday. But first, he’s escorted to school by his older sister Wendy (Megan Placito), which isn’t ideal due to persistent bullies, leaving only his friend Joey (Hardy Yusuf) as support. Wendy’s on a gap year working as a hairstylist and has a rather foolish boyfriend. These details are crucial! Character arcs!! These elements are meant to make the audience care for them!!! Otherwise, when Peter inevitably abducts Michael and drags him to his grotesque lair filled with filth, insects, and sheet-draped mannequins casting eerie shadows, you might not be invested. Following the encounter with Timmy’s mother, Peter’s face is now marred, reminiscent of Grima Wormtongue with a hint of Freddy Krueger. He resides with his equally deranged sidekick, a cross-dressing or possibly trans Tinker Bell (Kit Green) addicted to heroin, mistaking it for fairy dust. Yikes.

Peter has delusions about being able to fly, and sometimes a shadow version of the Peter Pan that’s more familiar to us (yes, think Disney) comes to life to encourage him. But in the real world, he’s just a serial killer of children – there’s a truly upbeat scene featuring him and a busful of schoolkids that Grandma will love – with a serious deformity that renders his Christian name hideously ironic. Right: Don’t ask. Please. Just – don’t. Wendy takes it upon herself to find and rescue her brother, an endeavor that finds her being an utterly illogical coward at times, and at others, a hearty fight-backer with blood spattered all over her like Alison Lohman in Drag Me to Hell. Consistency of demeanor only matters when it really matters, you know? Either way, in this movie, something reigns. You know what it is. Chaos, baby! It reignnnnnnnsssssssssssss!

What Movies Will It Remind You Of?: Peter is highly reminiscent of Heath Ledger’s Joker in vocal tone and facial blecch. The overall tone is Terrifier-derived, which therefore classifies Neverland Nightmare as Miserable Shit. Peter Pan and Wendy is pretty good. Hook is not. 

Performance Worth Watching: There’s little debating Portlock’s commitment to being as nasty as possible. That’s worth something, I guess.

Memorable Dialogue: Peter: “What I’m giving you for your birthday is the greatest gift a child could ask for.”

Sex and Skin: A couple of full-nude shots that are of the pretty-f—ing-far-from-OK variety.

Our Take: Welp, at least it’s better than Winnie the Pooh: Blood and Honey. That movie looked like a bucket of pennies after half of them spilled out, and made one cease believing that things like camera angles and editing actually exist. Neverland Nightmare looks like two or three buckets of pennies, with most of it spent on extra ketchup, and a jug of Crisco to give the latex facial prosthetics that special sweaty sheen. There’s a veneer of competence to the filmmaking that was more shocking than the kills, which consist of rote chokings, suffocations and stabbings acquired nice ‘n cheap at the local Goodwill. And when Peter’s really feeling mean, he unleashes – gasp – crank phone calls. I yawn! Long and wide!

Director Chambers compensates for the lack of creativity by dumping buckets of slippery slippery blood all over the sets, and maintaining a tone typically reserved for a search for bodies at a bombing site. There are no tongues in cheeks in Neverland Nightmare. It is dead serious – and a dead snooze, at least until the big climactic gauntlet o’ splatter that Wendy must run, bones snapping and limbs butchered and eyes gouged with the least amount of horror-movie fun possible, which is to say, it’s no fun whatsoever. 

So what we have here is a serial-killer/abduction thriller crossed with a bottom-rung slasher, complete with innocent children being tossed into a creepy van and a villain with a soliloquy fetish. Chambers and Frake-Waterfield are using this flick, the Blood and Honeys, the recently released Bambi: The Reckoning and upcoming warped takes on Pinocchio, Mary Poppins, Snow White and others to construct their own no-taste public-domain cinematic universe, all building up to Poohniverse: Monsters Assemble, which is something I wish I made up. I mean, isn’t it HILARIOUS and oh so SUBVERSIVE when someone bastardizes the tar out of beloved kiddie IP? How ingenious! There’s a referential nod in Neverland Nightmare where a character wears a Blood and Honey shirt, which, hey, clever self-awareness alert siren siren alarm ding-dong-ding lookit the joke! They know it’s a joke, we know it’s a joke, it’s obvious it’s a joke. Too bad it’s a bad joke.

Our Call: Never! SKIP IT.

John Serba is a freelance writer and film critic based in Grand Rapids, Michigan.