After three decades of marriage, my wife and I find ourselves merely going through the motions. Although neither of us ever mentioned the word ‘divorce,’ it felt as though we were stuck in a rut.
In recent years, I engaged in an affair that cost me approximately $100,000. It didn’t happen overnight; rather, it accumulated over time. We spent around $30,000 on vacations, another $15,000 on gifts, and $30,000 to assist her with rent and bills. Regular dinner dates, where it was expected I’d foot the bill, added to the expenses.
About a month ago, my wife discovered the affair, and the fallout was immediate and intense.
She has since enlisted the services of a divorce lawyer, with a particular focus on our finances. We have about $100,000 left in savings and investments, and our home, valued at approximately $500,000, still carries a $200,000 mortgage. She is determined to claim the house, our savings, and even wants the $100,000 I spent during the affair to be considered in the divorce proceedings.
She’s already got a divorce lawyer that’s mostly focusing on the money. We’ve got about $100,000 left in savings and investments, and a house worth around $500,000 with $200,000 left on the mortgage. She’s saying she’s going after the house, the savings accounts, everything – and even wants the $100,000 I spent counted against me.
Now I’m looking at lawyer fees, plus losing everything that I worked hard to buy, and I feel trapped. Is there any way to limit the damage here? I’d love any financial advice to help soften the blow.
Sincerely,
Swiped Savings
While the divorce rate has declined since the 1980s, it’s estimated that about 42 percent of first marriages end in divorce
Jennifer Brandt, a Philadelphia-based family lawyer, says judges focus on dividing money fairly – not punishing bad behavior in a marriage gone wrong
Affair aside, the cost of divorce is nothing to scoff at, with the average cost per person in the US running about $10,000 to $20,000 for a contested divorce.
Our reader is from New York, where divorce attorney fees weigh in at $250 to $450 per hour, and the median cost of a contested divorce is around $16,000.
These five-figure fees, plus fears about needing to pay back $100,000 in affair spending, left our reader fearful for their financial future.
The Daily Mail sat down with attorneys Claire Banks, Daniel Gvertz, Michael Belsky and Jennifer Brandt to see what advice they’d offer for someone with looming legal trouble like this.
Even if a spouse says they plan on going after ‘everything,’ the amount they can actually get varies by state.
Jennifer Brandt, a Philadelphia-based family law attorney, said that for the most part divorce laws are not designed to punish one side or the other. Instead, they aim to ‘fairly’ address economic issues for everyone involved.
Each state has different rules to decide who gets what in a divorce, so the first step is to consult with an attorney who knows the ropes in your state.
‘Get advice from a professional rather than to listening to threats from your spouse or asking for information from well-meaning friends and family,’ said Brandt.
For couples in New York, proving fault is not necessary for filing for divorce – that is not the case in every state
Claire Banks is an Associate Attorney at Spodek Law Group based in New York
Daniel Gvertz agreed. ‘It’s very important to work with your attorney in any divorce action involving allegations like these,’ he said. ‘Complete a proper timeline and delineate as many of these expenditures as possible.’
New York state law offers no-fault divorces, allowing the marriage to be dissolved regardless of who did what.
The law also lets one spouse sue another to determine fault, but that’s an expensive – and rare – proposition.
Claire Banks warned that proving fault requires neutral witnesses who lack any vested interest in testifying about someone else’s private business.
‘The cold truth is that a judge doesn’t care about what someone does in their free time unless it impacts how equity is distributed’ said Banks.
And that’s a key concept for Swiped Savings: Equitable distribution rules – or ‘equitable division of the assets’ for the Legally Blonde fans – mean it’s most likely that only half of the funds he spent on his lover will need to be paid back.
‘Many believe infidelity equals a legal payday, but that’s rarely the case,’ said Banks.
Keep in mind that the math of equal distribution can be case-specific, based on how much each spouse contributed before and during the marriage.
Divorce can be costly in the United States, regardless of how many assets the couple has to divide
Gvertz noted that timing and the amount of money at stake are factors courts take into consideration when making decisions.
‘Don’t expect the court to hammer a spouse for their extracurriculars,’ said Banks. ‘Frankly, they have far more pressing matters on their docket.’
According to Michael Belsky, the money Swiped Savings spent on the affair could be considered ‘dissipation of a marriage asset.’
‘The spouse’s attorney would have to prove that the other side spent the money on an extra marital affair, and that would usually be done by obtaining different types of bills or credit card receipts,’ said Belsky.
If they proved an affair took place, Swiped Savings would owe his spouse a portion of the $100,000 out of the remaining common assets.
‘What could occur in this situation is that the $100,000 in savings and investments might be transferred to the wife and you might not receive any share of the amount – to compensate for the money spent on the extramarital affair,’ he said.
Homes are a major bone of contention in any divorce. Each spouse is entitled to half of marriage assets, and home equity – or the market value of a property minus any outstanding mortgage costs – is always a big chunk of the total.
‘The house, unless otherwise agreed-upon between you and your wife, would be sold and any equity after closing would be split between the parties – or one party could buy the other party out of the equity in the home,’ said Belsky.
More than anything, Brandt emphasized the importance of meeting with legal experts as soon as possible. Their fees are high, but peace of mind is worth paying for.
‘During a meeting, you learn the ins and outs of the divorce process,’ she said. ‘And understand what you face if the matter results in divorce’.
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