BURLESQUE, Savoy Theatre, London 

Rating:

How to make a travesty out of a travesty? Look no further than last night’s West End opening of Burlesque The Musical – a theatrical rehash of the lamentable 2010 film Burlesque, starring camp mega-icons Christina Aguilera and Cher.

Already a predictable yarn about a small-town girl from Iowa, Ali (Aguilera), who finds herself working in a cash-strapped New York night club (run by Cher), it’s now been rendered improbable too after being tweaked by writer Steven Antin so the owner turns out to be… Ali’s long-lost mother.

Aguilera fooled almost no one as that small-town girl in the original, and The X Factor: The Band winner Jess Folley doesn’t fare much better as the church choir refugee in need of a job.

As Ali’s mother Tess, Orfeh is a surly, surgically modified Barbie doll wearing eight-inch patent heels, S&M bodice and Cupid’s-bow lipstick.

Both women can live without each other and run a tortuous scale on every syllable of every song, bending notes like Uri Geller. Effort cannot be faulted – except there’s way too much of it in a laborious evening pushing three hours.

Our main man, Todrick Hall, even jokes that his back hurts from carrying the show. He wrote 20 out of the show’s excessive 28 songs, all of them generic gospel-rap-pop mash-ups – including contributions from Aguilera (her again) and Sia.

The West End’s Burlesque The Musical is a theatrical rehash of the 2010 film Burlesque, starring camp mega-icons Christina Aguilera and Cher 

Aguilera (pictured)fooled almost no one as that small-town girl in the original, and The X Factor : The Band winner Jess Folley doesn’t fare much better

Jess Folley (pictured) plays small-town girl from Iowa, Ali, who finds herself working in a cash-strapped New York night club

As anthemic belters a few may wallop the eardrums, but they don’t so much power the plot as provide repetitive tempos and vocal workouts.

Not content with directing and choreographing, Hall also grabs two roles (Tess’s sidekick Sean and the Iowa church choir leader Miss Loretta). He’s certainly the funniest thing in a show in serious need of comic relief.

But Antin’s script, adapted from his film, is flat as an Iowa homestead and only fitfully enlivened by topical gags about Baby Reindeer, Coldplay and a TikTok meme.

The best moments come from supporting actors – especially Paul Jacob French as Jackson, the cool, bone-dry barman, and Asha Parker-Wallace as the sassy but errant chorus girl Nikki.

The would-be steamy choreography certainly features a fair bit of flesh, but it’s rote, oven-ready eroticism. A lot of somersaults, a little light can-can and any number of scissor splits – plus a bit of Chippendales and boy-band action for the coach parties.

The upshot is rambling raunch, musical cliche and automated whooping. May it rest in peace.