Welcome to the lively atmosphere of the sports section nestled beneath the main deck of the Good Pirate Ship RedState. Surrounded by the spirited Sammy the Shark and the formidable Karl the Kraken, we embark on an amusing tale. Despite their initial indifference, sparked by a tidal wave of complaints from soccer fans worldwide regarding their disinterest in the World Cup, these two nautical icons have resolved to peel themselves from their comfortable spots. They’ve decided to dive fins-first into a comprehensive, immersive examination of this globally adored sport…
At least their enthusiasm is unwavering.
In essence, the world is divided into two distinct types of sports enthusiasts: those who would embark on a grueling trek from Bodega Bay to Baltimore on sun-scorched and jagged asphalt just to catch a soccer match — any match — and those who would choose to endure the fading bubbles of flat root beer instead. Personally, I find myself in a balanced stance; while I’m drawn to soccer if I have a favorite team, like the Earthquakes or the Roots, my preference shifts when compared to the Big Four of American sports. Whether it’s baseball, American (or Australian) football, basketball, or hockey, these tend to overshadow soccer in my personal viewing lineup.
There’s been plenty of chatter about soccer, particularly regarding some of its quirkiest, perhaps even confounding, rules. Despite claims of logic and clarity attempts, these traditions endure. Take their approach to timekeeping for example. A soccer game is structured into two halves of 45 minutes each, a standard that scarcely adheres to actual time. Instead, extra time is appended to each half, determined by the referee’s estimation of active play versus passive time. Considering the exaggerated antics of players acting as though a mere brush could fell them with tragic melodrama worthy of a Grammy, you’d think some matches could stretch into weeks. The mystery deepens as this extra time is revealed only once the half has ostensibly concluded, ending unpredictably when the referee deems it so. You might wonder why not pause the clock for breaks in play, as seen in every other sport with a countdown? Perhaps it’s because, when crafting soccer rules in the 19th century, English founders had Big Ben as their only clock model.
Then, of course, we have the notorious offside rule. For those curious souls brave enough to venture into its intricacies, here’s a snippet to wrap your mind around:
A player is in an offside position if:
* any part of the head, body or feet is in the opponents’ half (excluding the halfway line) and
* any part of the head, body or feet is nearer to the opponents’ goal line than both the ball and the second-last opponent
While having the rule in place makes sense, in that otherwise every team would spend the entirety of every game trying to kick a long pass to their best scorer positioned directly in front of the other team’s goal, it does lead to a lot of frustration when an apparent goal is waved off due to someone being a molecule of shoe polish ahead of the second-last opponent. Said individual (second-last opponent) is more commonly known as the guy that the guy with the ball just blew past on his way to taking a shot. To try and alleviate the possibility of human error in such situations, VAR (Video Assistant Referee—what, you thought it would be something logical like Video Assisted Review? This is SOCCER we’re talking about!) comes into play. VAR consists of an off-field referee who carefully reviews video footage to ensure that he or she makes as equally boneheaded a call as the on-field referee. Why they don’t have sideline monitors for the on-field referee to review video footage and determine whether the initial call was correct is a matter of conjecture. Probably that strenuous avoidance of making sense thing.
Anyway, the 2026 World Cup is almost done. France and England will meet today (Friday, July 17, 2026) for the dubious honor of finishing third. One suspects the game will closely resemble this sneak preview:
Mbappe and Kane playing for a 3rd place for the sake of it. pic.twitter.com/8GHlvHbCP2
— Miss Tomboy 💋 (@Mbilu_Yanga) July 16, 2026
On Sunday, July 19, 2026, Spain and Argentina will meet for the championship. Spain probably has the better team, but Argentina has Lionel Messi, who is that rare athlete transcending his sport into the realm of pure athletic greatness. Much like Wayne Gretzky did in his prime, Messi makes things happen that ought not to happen. Yet there they are.
Clear angle of Messi assist
Wow, this assist deserves to be in a museum pic.twitter.com/IS0QlE9nIo
— Yakub (@Yakkubkk) July 16, 2026
Enjoy the weekend, everyone.