DEAR ABBY: My brother-in-law, “Hank,” has deliberately distanced himself from our family circle. Although he’s married with two children, he barely communicates with his parents, siblings (including my husband), or his nieces and nephews, except when he’s asking his parents for financial help.
On rare occasions when I do encounter him, his wife consistently refuses to engage in any family events, including dinners or photo opportunities. Her absence is always justified with a series of excuses or outright lies, leaving us puzzled as to why they choose to remain so detached. This situation is both painful and baffling.
Since joining this family, I’ve observed how Hank expertly manipulates situations to his advantage, often portraying himself as the victim. He struggles to hold down a job but insists on maintaining an extravagant lifestyle that far exceeds his financial capabilities.
Although I feel some sympathy, as it’s evident his actions stem from deeper issues, the endless pattern of his reappearing only to vanish soon after—especially at my in-laws’ expense—has become draining. They’ve finally decided to stop giving him money, yet I find myself concerned about what lies ahead.
As my in-laws grow older and perhaps more susceptible, I worry Hank might devise new ways to exploit their vulnerability. I care deeply for them, and it’s heartbreaking to have witnessed their ongoing suffering at his hands. Is there any way I can help? — CONFLICTED IN MISSOURI
DEAR CONFLICTED: Manipulating older folks to get them to fork over money is called elder abuse, and there are laws against it. Although it may be a bit premature (as your in-laws are still mentally competent), it couldn’t hurt for you and your husband to consult an attorney who specializes in elder law and discuss your concerns, because crimes like this happen too often.
** ** **
DEAR READERS: As anyone who reads “Dear Abby” knows, I have always stressed the importance of writing thank-you notes. It is now time for me to put pen to paper. I have always considered you, my readers, to be my friends. Thank you for accepting me as warmly as you always have and thank you for being willing to share your joys, pains and frustrations with me these many years. Your trust is the greatest honor I have ever been given. You have taught me far more life lessons than I have ever taught you.
I am now in my 39th year of penning the “Dear Abby” column, which started on Jan. 9, 1956, written by my late mother, Pauline Phillips. When I began writing it in 1987, I promised myself that when the time came to retire, I would step aside to live life without a deadline. I am grateful for the support of my two loyal and able assistants, Steven Andrews and Jose Fuentes. Please don’t worry about me; my health is fine. I plan to indulge my long-postponed itch to travel.
In the years ahead, my column will continue to serve you. It will be written by a capable editorial staff. Please wish me a happy retirement as I open this new chapter of my life.
I love you all. — Jeanne Phillips aka Dear Abby
** ** **
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.