On Wednesday, news that shook the royal watchers emerged: Harry and Meghan plan to return to the UK with their children, starting school in September sparking a stir of curiosity and speculation.
Skeptics raised their eyebrows, pondering aloud, ‘What exactly are the Sussexes planning?
Initially, I bought into the public narrative, even writing for the Daily Mail this week about it. Harry is reportedly fond of the UK’s “wonderful” education system and desires a traditional British upbringing for Archie, seven, and Lili, five. I speculated whether this move might be a stepping stone for the family to re-integrate into royal life, reigniting interest in the monarchy.
But now, it seems I’ve been caught off guard.
Fresh reports surfaced on Friday suggesting Meghan might revisit her acting career with acclaimed director Guy Ritchie — a twist few anticipated.
Remember him?
He married Madonna, ‘they’ bought Ashcombe, the exquisite former home of legendary photographer-to-the-Royals Cecil Beaton, before they divorced and he cannily bagged the mansion for himself.
He has had a fairly checkered (I’m being polite) career as a director (Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels was bankrolled by Sting’s wife, followed by the unfortunately named Snatch, starring Brad Pitt; Ritchie ricocheted downhill from there with several Razzie awards. The only good thing penned about his latest movie, RocknRolla, was that its cast were ‘energetic’) before seemingly abandoning any attempt at being the next Scorsese.
He is now churning out dross in the shape of another season of The Gentlemen for Netflix, a spinoff of a 2019 film of the same name.
When news broke on Wednesday that Harry and Meghan are returning to the UK to enroll their children to start school in September, heads tilted for extra effect
Reports on Friday said that Meghan was in talks to brush off her acting chops and join up with director Guy Ritchie. Remember him?
The first series, which aired in 2024, was a barely intelligible caper about aristocrat Eddie (played by bestubbled thesp Theo James, or Theodore to his family and friends; most Brits know him only as the annoying toff in the Range Rover TV ads who proves his masculinity by having no need for the Sat Nav lady), who inherits a family estate only to discover it is home to a weed empire run by very hard men.
It is set in and around the Cotswolds, as that is within a short drive in a Land Rover Defender from Ritchie’s own home, where he is busy nurturing blooms from seed (he grew all his own flowers for his second wedding, to Jacqui Ainsley), hosting professional pheasant shoots, ironing his collection of tweed and firing up his very masculine outdoor cooking range to serve floppy steak to neighbours David and Victoria Beckham.
He reportedly had the bright idea to cast not an Oscar winner, but a former actress. But things move fast. Royal author Tina Brown reported on Saturday that the offer to Meghan had been ‘withdrawn’.
Brown wrote on her Substack, ‘The backlash in the UK was so intense it became untenable to go forward. This does not bode well for Meghan’s acting comeback in the UK.’
Meghan, I suspect, would have been flattered by Ritchie’s offer, not realizing she was there to move his series up Netflix’s top 10 this week chart, if only for mere moments.
We in turn would hardly have been able to concentrate on the new episodes, refurbishing as they inevitably would The Gentlemen’s scenes of sex and violence, leaving us wondering, ‘Who is paying for the security to watch her engagement ring and Diana’s Cartier watch in the Winnebago?’
The most graphic scene of the original Ritchie film, The Gentlemen, depicted a man kicking a prone woman’s legs apart with the clear intention of rape. This re-treaded series is no better; in fact, the actress Kaya Scodelario later claimed filming gave her ‘a lot of anxiety’ and she didn’t even remove her clothes!
There is lots of gory blood spattering; perhaps Meg’s business brain spied a new outlet for her jam? The series is meant to be tongue in cheek but merely ends up licking the toilet bowl.
All Harry would have gotten from the sojourn is that he would be able to don a flat cap from the extensive collection in Ritchie’s gun room to cover his bald patch.
It was all getting a bit Gwyneth Paltrow who, seemingly tired of running Goop, returned to acting last year (in Marty Supreme) and although critics were kind, the only thing that kept my attention was whether or not we’d get a peek beneath that prim 1950s costume.
There should be a little mystery when it comes to acting, surely? When a thespian’s private life eclipses any character they are being paid to play, viz Johnny Depp post-Amber, Brad Pitt post-plane rage, what we are watching is not art, but a freak show.
The first series, which aired in 2024, was a barely intelligible caper (scene above) about aristocrat Eddie, who inherits a family estate only to discover it is home to a weed empire
I hope, if the offer has indeed been withdrawn, that Meghan doesn’t go looking for another similar B-list opportunity that I’m certain will come her way
I hope, if the offer has indeed been withdrawn, that Meghan doesn’t go looking for another similar B-list opportunity that I’m certain will come her way.
All of the above will likely go over Meghan’s lovely head, of course.
She plays herself in a cameo in the upcoming film Close Personal Friends. While this new role may have presented an opportunity to stretch – the first time she’s been able to do that since last week’s Pilates – I fear she would have remained blissfully unaware that she was being used most cruelly.
Imagine Meghan’s character gunning down a room of mobsters, using swear words, stripping off. Meghan, your husband and children are in the line of succession. These gigs are for ageing actors who need to foot the alimony bill, or up-and-coming youngsters grasping greedily in the hope they’ll get noticed. You’re above all that. You escaped the 4am call sheet, the hours in hair and make-up, the boredom sat in a chair with ‘Duchess’ scrawled hastily on the back.
The season two trailer is already up, depicting every cliché known to teenage boys, as well as a particularly gory scene involving baseball bats. It airs on September 3. Season three is currently being written on the back of a matchbox.
If Meghan is cast in a ‘significant’ role the hype will be big. It’s the actress who will have gotten small.