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DEAR ABBY: I have a former boyfriend, “Ray,” who struggles with alcoholism. Despite having gone through rehab twice, he hasn’t managed to overcome his addiction, and he refuses to stop drinking. He keeps insisting that we can work things out.
I’m puzzled as to why Ray doesn’t seem to understand that I no longer wish to be in a relationship with him. I’ve given him two chances, and even his family has stopped trying to help him.
Ray has a controlling nature. He continues to reach out and try to dictate my actions, just as he did when we were together. I don’t need someone like that in my life. I hope and pray that God will eventually bring the right person into my life. Do you have any advice? — BREAKING AWAY IN ALABAMA
DEAR BREAKING AWAY: You should block Ray’s number and cease responding to any of his messages. If he has a key to your home, change the locks immediately. The next time Ray contacts you, preferably when he is sober, make it clear there is nothing left to work out. Firmly state that you want no further contact with him and if his behavior continues, you will report him to the authorities and seek a restraining order. If it comes to that, be prepared to follow through.
DEAR ABBY: My sister, “Fiora,” lives with her daughter and family, quite a distance from me and our other siblings. She is insisting we organize a celebration for her 80th birthday. Fiora wants this gathering to be a destination party at a costly resort, far away from where any of us reside.
None of us is wealthy, but some of us have been good money managers and are comfortable in retirement. Fiora, on the other hand, has spent every last dime and has health issues, so she must live with her daughter. We have told her we feel if she wants this extravagant party, she should talk to her children, not to us. Is this unreasonable of us or of her? — PARTIED OUT IN MISSOURI
DEAR PARTIED OUT: Putting the rules of etiquette aside, Sister Fiora should not be demanding that her siblings foot the bill for a birthday extravaganza she can’t afford. Tell her (as one) that you will be happy to split the bill for a more modest celebration or send her a check. The choice is hers, and the amount is something all the sibs can decide upon. Her adult children might also want to chip in as well.
DEAR ABBY: Has anyone ever asked women on the receiving end of men’s use of Viagra or other such medications how they feel about having to plan or schedule their so-called “lovemaking”? I feel it would make it just plain old sex rather than an emotional, loving act. To me, it would be better to have no sex at all than to have to plan for it. Also, how satisfying is it really to women? — PHYLLIS IN INDIANA
DEAR PHYLLIS: As I am sure you know, there is more to making love than popping a pill. The act and the desire for it should be mutual rather than a performance. Making love with someone a person cares about and is attracted to can be satisfying, but I think the answer to your question depends upon which participant you ask.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.