Unveiling the Contradictions of Educated, Child-Wary Socialists

1. Defund the Colleges: An In-Depth Analysis

by Mike Solana, Editor-in-Chief

Recent insights from analyst Nate Silver reveal a phenomenon that many have intuited: the Democratic Socialists of America (DSA), a group advocating for radical changes such as the dismantling of government branches and centralizing industry, finds its strongest supporters among highly-educated individuals. But this isn’t just any group of scholars.

The data highlights that individuals with bachelor’s degrees earning less than $60,000 annually are the most enamored with the ideologies reminiscent of Mao Zedong.

This raises a compelling question: are our institutions of higher learning molding these descending elites into communists? Or is there something inherent in the individuals themselves—those expecting a societal escalator to wealth that never arrives—that drives them to dismantle a system that has left them with a PhD in queer theory but without a home in the Hamptons like their predecessors?

Who knows. Who cares! Just defund the colleges already.

2. Democracy dies in laughter

by Riley Nork, writer

At last week’s White House Correspondents’ Dinner, President Trump slipped into a rare Bodhisattva-like comedic flow state, waxing poetically about Chris Christie fighting for cheesecake at the next UFC event, a hostile regime now being run by a gay dictator (CBS News and Bari Weiss, respectively), and CNN’s Kaitlan Collins bearing an uncanny resemblance to trans influencer Dylan Mulvaney.

It was all in good fun, but the press had a decidedly different reaction: To them, Trump’s riffs were cause for ending the WHCD altogether.

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Per the Washington Post, critics are now citing the president’s “broadsides” against the media to call for permanently ending the dinner, since it was supposed to be a serious event honoring the serious work of serious mainstream journalism.

Funny… I don’t remember these calls when Obama and Colbert were the ones making the jokes! But hey, nothing says “winning back trust in media” like “don’t roast us or we’ll pack up and cry.”

3. Exciting new birth control method called ‘socialism‘

by Max Weiner, head of operations

The socialist city may promise to care for every child — but increasingly, it just doesn’t contain any.

A new Wall Street Journal analysis finds that, over the past decade, American cities lost children six times faster than the country overall.

Some cities that grew still lost kids, replacing families with trust-fund singles, yuppies, and people too poor to leave. Meanwhile, the five fastest-growing American cities in 2025?

Well, they were all exurbs in Texas. To state the obvious revealed preference: Middle-class moms and dads do not want to raise their kids amongst dangerous fentanyl addicts while spending 70% of their income on housing, all while sending little Johnny to chaotic public schools (with the fent addicts’ dealers’ kids), so they leave.

In that void, the DSA happily agitates for class warfare, because the actual solution (building housing) requires motivated capitalists — whom DSA leaders hate more than their dads.