A personal question: are you a good lover? Most people would like to believe they know their way around the bedroom. But how can you tell whether your performance is genuinely satisfying—or falling short?
In the harshest cases, an unhappy ex may deliver the verdict as a final parting blow. Within an ongoing relationship, however, a partner may avoid saying anything that could cause offence. Instead, a lacklustre sex life might show up as less frequent intimacy.
The good news is that bedroom skills can be developed at any age. And the answer may be less predictable than you think. It is not primarily about appearance, experience, stamina or impressive sexual gymnastics.
Experts explain the habits to avoid—and the approaches that can help create more connected, enjoyable sex…
You’re too focused on performing
Sex can involve a degree of performance because it is playful and expressive, but becoming preoccupied with how you are doing can get in the way. Even asking, “Am I good in bed?” places the focus on performance.
“Compatibility is far more important than performance,” says psychosexual and couples’ psychotherapist Clare Faulkner. The word performance, she adds, suggests that sex follows a fixed script that both partners are expected to deliver.
Great sex is not measured by an imaginary target for how long a man should last or how easily a woman should be pleased. Clare’s advice is to “move away from this idea of good or bad”.
It is also wise to ignore the polished version of sex shown on screen. “Those scenes in programmes like Rivals—hot, racy sex in an aeroplane loo—make brilliant TV, but in real life would be uncomfortable.”
Psychosexual and couples’ psychotherapist Clare Faulkner says that great sex is ‘not about trying to impress’ but about ‘being fully connected to your own experience, your own body and your partner’s body’
In real life, she says, the most memorable sex can be far slower and more unhurried.
It is worth remembering, too, that sex is often untidy, awkward and unpredictable. A sense of humour can go a long way.
You have a narrow definition of good sex
The popular idea that satisfying sex should end with both partners reaching orgasm simultaneously through penetration has created unrealistic expectations. Clare points out that only about 18 per cent of women orgasm through penetration alone. Research reflects the resulting “orgasm gap”: around 95 per cent of heterosexual men usually or always orgasm during sex, compared with 65 per cent of heterosexual women.
“We don’t see an orgasm gap in lesbian and gay couples,” Clare says. That indicates that aspects of the way sex is commonly approached in heterosexual relationships may be failing to meet women’s needs.
Rather than treating orgasm as the finish line—racing up a mountain towards a peak—Clare believes sex should be experienced more broadly. Removing that pressure can make intimacy richer and more varied.
Improving your sex life can begin with seeing the whole body as a source of erotic pleasure. According to Clare, people describing their best sexual experiences often talk about being deeply aware of their own sensations, their partner’s body and the connection between them—not about trying to put on a show.
She recommends a “wonderful” ten-minute exercise focused on exploring sensation. Partners might concentrate on an arm, for example, paying attention to it as though they had never seen one before. Each person takes a turn receiving that focused appreciation. The practice can intensify emotions, encourage slower touch and help build the atmosphere for more fulfilling sex.
You take everything personally
Male sexual confidence is often linked to the ability to maintain an erection, yet erections can naturally fade—particularly for men over 40. A partner may assume this means attraction has disappeared, but stress, nerves and intense excitement are more common explanations.
“If a man is really focusing on his partner, it can be likely that he loses his erection because focus is elsewhere,” Clare says. It is a normal part of lovemaking, especially during longer encounters that include different kinds of touch.
You’ve stopped asking questions
Long-term partners can also lose the habit of being curious about one another. Clare says sex may become as predictable as “painting by numbers”. When life is busy, relying on familiar techniques is understandable—if something works, couples often take the shortcut—but repetition rarely leads to the most exciting intimacy.
Clinical sexologist and life coach Marie Morice compares a fixed sexual routine to eating the same favourite dish repeatedly. Even if seafood pasta is a much-loved meal, she says, having it every time can eventually make it less appealing.
Clinical sexologist and life coach Marie Morice suggests tactfully discussing desire ‘accelerators’ and ‘brakes’ to mix things up
The key then is to emphasise that ‘the goal is to enhance what’s already good’. As in, ‘We love our seafood pasta, that’s our go-to, but shall we try a new dish?’
As you caress your partner, suggests Clare, consider, ‘Who is this touch for? Is it for you, the receiver, or for me, the giver?’ She adds, ‘In a heterosexual couple, he might touch you in a particular way because that’s what he likes, but he hasn’t asked, “How do you like to be touched there?”’
It’s easier to start this conversation outside the bedroom, advises Clare. ‘You might begin with a hand massage.’ Say something like, ‘I’d like to massage your hand in a way that’s good for me. Then, I’d like to give you a hand massage in a way you’d like. What would that be?’
Your partner might say, ‘I really like soft stroking.’ Once you learn the difference, and the language of ‘how can I make this better for you?’, you can apply it in more intimate situations.
You’re judgmental (or terrified of being judged)
‘In a new partnership, people worry about doing the wrong thing, so they’re not being entirely themselves in the bedroom,’ says Marie. ‘I see this in a lot of women in midlife, especially when they come out of a long-term relationship.’
But we can also fear being judged in a long-term relationship – or be judgmental if our partner suggests something new.
Many worry that expressing what we’d like to try, and what we no longer fancy, will lead to upset, and our partner taking offence and thinking, ‘Oh, so I’ve been doing it wrong for 20 years?’
If you want to mix things up, Marie suggests you (tactfully) discuss your desire ‘accelerators’ and your ‘brakes’. So, you might say that having a row or your partner wearing socks in bed are brakes, for example.
‘Being confident in your body regardless of size – loving it – conveys an energy that’s really sexy,’ says Clare (picture posed by models)
Whereas, Clare says, ‘an accelerator is something that moves you into feeling sexual – a back massage, or going on a quiet romantic walk together where you flirt and feel wanted, chosen, and desired. Or it could be playfulness, teasing or your partner’s brilliant humour. An accelerator isn’t necessarily something overtly sexual.’
And menopause might affect what you like in bed – what was once an accelerator, for example, might not do it for you any more. Clare adds, ‘Long-term couples do need to update their sexual script, and know what brings them pleasure now.’
You never talk about sex
Being good in bed means being able to communicate well. Sex is an intensely personal and sensitive subject, and can feel difficult to talk about. But, as Clare notes, ‘We often can have these chats with friends, but we can’t have them with our partner.’ Often, she says, this can be due to ‘fear that we’ll be disregarded or dismissed’.
She stresses, ‘The place to raise the subject is not in bed – it’s too pressurised and could feel critical.’
Marie suggests broaching it at the weekend, when you’re walking the dog perhaps. ‘Make it about your partner, so it doesn’t sound resentful. Say, “If you had a magic wand, what would be something you’d like to do in bed that we’re not exploring?”’
You’re miserable about how you look
‘Being confident in your body regardless of size – loving it – conveys an energy that’s really sexy,’ says Clare. Whereas, ‘If you’re feeling unsure in your body and going inward, that has an impact on the other person. If you’re curled up like a stone, you’re hard to engage with. If your heart is open, it pulls people towards us.’
She says, ‘When I think of confidence in the bedroom, it’s an open-heartedness, and acceptance of our unique imperfections.’ She suggests couples ask, ‘How can we embrace our bodies as they are now?’
If you are engaged and interested in bed, you’re a good partner, says Clare – it doesn’t matter if you’re 25 or 65 (picture posed by models)
How do we boost our body confidence though? ‘Ultimately it’s about shifting away from appearance to experience,’ says Clare. ‘You might ask yourself, “What does my body allow me to do? What movement do I do that feels good?”’
She adds, ‘Noticing your inner narrative and the critical voice and trying to replace it – “thank you but I don’t need you to judge me right now” – is important.’ Cutting down on social media can help, as it unhooks you from that comparison narrative.
‘Wear clothes that fit and that you feel good in,’ she continues. ‘Spend time in front of the mirror without evaluating your body. Instead, choose a part you like – “wow – those beautiful legs!”’
The aim is to move from punishment to pleasure, she explains. ‘It’s a practice. We’re not taught that. We’re encouraged not to love our bodies. But think about sensuality outside the bedroom – from the pleasure of having the wind blowing in our hair, or when it finally rains, the joy of feeling the drops on our skin. Or use a shower to really feel the water on your skin, and the pleasure of being in your body.’
She adds, ‘And if body positivity feels too hard, just start with trying to feel neutral.’
You believe your best sex is in the past
If you are engaged and interested in bed, you’re a good partner, says Clare – it doesn’t matter if you’re 25 or 65. But in middle-age, some of us are convinced that our days (and nights) of good sex are behind us – an attitude which crushes enthusiasm and can make us lacklustre between the sheets.
Marie says, ‘There can be a nostalgia for youth, when you were able to have more spontaneous sex, when your body responded differently, when there was no vaginal dryness or erectile dysfunction.’
It’s not helpful to pretend that none of these challenges matter. ‘There is a grieving process,’ she says. ‘It’s OK to be angry too.’ But, ‘You also need to be able to reclaim pleasure in midlife.’
Acknowledge what you’ve lost but celebrate your gains – you’ll have more self-knowledge, for example. Marie says, ‘When I was younger, I didn’t know what I wanted and I couldn’t direct my lovers in the same way.’
Midlife certainly doesn’t signify the end of your headboard-rattling years. ‘You can still have an amazing amount of pleasure, including deeper orgasms,’ Marie assures. But a good lover isn’t passive. ‘Investigate what you can do to help yourself,’ she says. Could localised oestrogen, lube, or Viagra be a game-changer? Or perhaps less of a focus on penetration.
And Clare suggests, ‘Make sure you do something new each time you have sex – take the duvet off, put the pillow at the other end of the bed, add scent, or music, or change the lighting. Treat every sexual encounter, even with a partner of 30 years, as something new.’
You’re never ‘bad’ in bed
‘Bringing a lightness to sex is really important,’ says Clare. Being a fun, sexy, and stimulating partner has far more to do with attitude than gold-star expertise.
‘The key bit is really being present to what’s playing out in front of you, and being responsive to your partner’s desire – rather than determinedly sticking to a routine,’ she says. ‘So if your partner moves in a certain way, or makes a particular noise, lean into that, rather than your normal “dance moves”. That spontaneity can create a really powerful sexual experience.’
And if you’re never cheeky in bed, you may not be fulfilling your erotic potential. ‘A lot of women feel they should be a good girl,’ says Marie. ‘But daring to be a bad girl in bed – letting go of your hang-ups – can be fun.’
She admits, ‘In a new relationship it can be easier. If you’ve been together for a long time, it can be hard to transition out of your other roles, and the daily grind.’
The solution? ‘It’s about compartmentalising. We do it in other parts of our lives, so let’s do it with sex. You might read an erotic novel to arouse you first. Give yourself permission to misbehave.’
clarefaulknertherapy.com
thepleasureatelier.co.uk
