Emily Fredrickson was drinking so much vodka, she could no longer keep it down.
At just 22, Emily would often vomit almost immediately after drinking. In a desperate effort to keep the alcohol in her system, she would pick up the bucket beside her and swallow what she had thrown up.
She stopped eating because she feared food would absorb the alcohol. When she became too weak to stand, she survived on just three or four pieces of uncooked macaroni.
Some days, she was unable to walk from one side of her home to the other without passing out.
Her urine had turned brown, she was vomiting blood, and she regularly woke to find her bed soaked with urine.
Despite the worsening symptoms, Emily still could not stop drinking. Her addiction had reached its most dangerous point, and she saw no clear way to escape it.
“When I would gulp 30-35 gulps of straight vodka, I would put a bucket next to me because it would come right back up, and I would drink from that bucket right after,” said Emily, now 27.
“After the third time, it finally stayed down. At that point, I wasn’t even concerned that I couldn’t keep any liquids down. I was concerned that I was wasting vodka, so I drank it from my spit bucket.”
At the height of her addiction, Emily was living alone in Wisconsin, unemployed and estranged from many of the people who cared about her. Now sober, she has shared her story
At the height of her addiction, Emily lived alone in Wisconsin, was unemployed and had become estranged from many of the people who cared about her.
She was diagnosed with alcohol use disorder at 18. By her early twenties, her drinking had become life-threatening.
During one hospital visit, doctors recorded her blood alcohol concentration at 0.626 per cent—a level linked to a high risk of coma and death.
Now three-and-a-half years sober, Emily is sharing her experience to help others recognise how quickly alcohol can take control of a person’s life.
‘I didn’t want food to soak up the alcohol’
At her lowest point, her routine centred on drinking until she lost consciousness, waking up and beginning the cycle again.
“I wasn’t drinking to have fun anymore, and I wasn’t even drinking to feel good. I was drinking to pass out,” she told the Daily Mail.
“I’d drink until I couldn’t stay awake, wake up, start drinking again, and repeat the entire cycle. That was my life.”
At her lowest point, Emily’s days revolved around drinking until she lost consciousness, waking up and starting again
Emily said her physical condition had deteriorated to the point where she regularly experienced severe vomiting and symptoms she described as alcohol poisoning
Her home had fallen into disrepair, and she had stopped buying groceries or keeping up with her bills.
“I had no food in my house, at all, ever,” she said.
“I had pasta noodles in my cabinet, and that was all I had. I did not eat when I was really bad because I did not want the food to soak up the alcohol.”
She said her physical condition had deteriorated to the point where she regularly experienced severe vomiting and symptoms she described as alcohol poisoning including jaundice.
‘I would pee and puke blood. My pee would be brown because of how sick I was and because of how dehydrated I was, and I did not care,’ she said.
‘That was not enough for me to stop drinking.’
Emily also wet her bed almost every night and eventually threw away her bedding. During winter, she slept directly on her mattress, wearing a coat to keep warm.
‘I lived in absolute filth,’ she said.
‘I would pee in my bed every single night from the amount of liquor that I was drinking, and because of how drunk I was, I did not care at all.’
She stopped collecting her mail, allowing it to accumulate until the mailbox could no longer hold any more letters. Her landlord, a family member, was eventually contacted, although Emily has no memory of what happened afterwards.
‘As for bills and important things, I did not care at all. All I cared about was drinking my vodka and when I needed to get more,’ she said.
Emily noticed her skin and eyes turning yellow because she was jaundiced from her drinking
Emily started drinking at 16
Emily grew up in Eau Claire, Wisconsin, in a neighbourhood where children spent their afternoons playing outside and families knew one another.
‘I had the kind of childhood I hope I can give my own kids one day,’ she said.
‘I wasn’t a kid who grew up thinking my life would turn into what it did. I never imagined I’d become someone who couldn’t go a day without alcohol, let alone someone who would come so close to dying from it.’
Emily first started drinking at 16, initially enjoying the excitement of doing something she wasn’t legally old enough to do.
‘I liked getting away with it. I had fake IDs and would go to bars with my friends, and at the time, it all felt exciting and normal,’ she said.
What began as weekend drinking gradually became more frequent, until she was planning her days around alcohol.
By 18, she had been diagnosed with alcohol use disorder, and by 21, she was physically dependent on alcohol.
‘Eventually, I wasn’t drinking to have fun anymore. I was drinking to feel normal, to stop the shaking, and to keep myself from getting sick,’ she said.
Despite the diagnosis, Emily struggled to recognise herself as someone with a serious drinking problem.
She had always imagined alcoholism affecting older men who drank heavily and behaved aggressively towards their families.
‘I didn’t picture a 19, 20, or 21-year-old girl who was drinking every single day. I didn’t fit the stereotype I had in my head, so I didn’t think the word applied to me,’ she said.
As her friends began settling into adulthood, Emily lost her job and became increasingly isolated.
Emily had attempted treatment several times before she finally stopped drinking
Her family feared she would die
Emily’s drinking affected her relationships with family members and friends, many of whom struggled to cope with her behaviour.
She initially tried living with relatives but repeatedly behaved in ways that led to her being asked to leave. At one point, she broke into a neighbour’s house.
She later moved into accommodation with roommates she had found on Facebook, but the arrangement ended after she trashed the property, was arrested and spent time in a psychiatric ward.
Emily subsequently rented properties from her cousin and grandfather, although living alone did little to change her drinking.
‘Addiction affected every relationship in my life. I isolated myself, pushed people away, and hurt people who loved me,’ she said.
‘I became someone my family had to worry about constantly, and I know they lived with the fear that they could receive a phone call telling them I was dead.’
One of the most frightening incidents occurred during Christmas, when Emily suffered an alcohol withdrawal seizure in front of her family. Her family intervened, but it took another couple of months before she returned to treatment.
‘I think about those things because I’m 27 now, and I realise how easily my story could have ended differently,’ she said.
‘I wasn’t just drinking too much or making bad decisions. I was killing myself.’
Emily’s drinking affected her relationships with family members and friends, many of whom struggled to cope with her behaviour at the time
Emily has been sober for more than three-and-a-half years, although rebuilding her life and reconnecting with her loved ones has been a gradual process
‘Knowing you’re destroying your life doesn’t mean you’re able to stop’
Emily had attempted treatment several times before she finally stopped drinking.
‘I don’t know if there was one single moment when everything suddenly clicked,’ she said.
‘I think I reached a point where I was completely broken, physically and mentally, and I couldn’t keep living the way I was living.
‘Knowing you’re destroying your life doesn’t automatically mean you’re able to stop.’
Her final attempt at treatment came when she was 23. Emily left Wisconsin and moved to Minnesota, where she entered sober living accommodation and began intensive outpatient treatment.
She believed she needed distance from the people and places she associated with drinking, as well as ongoing support to manage her addiction.
Emily has not consumed alcohol since February 17, 2023.
‘There are years of my life I don’t remember’
Now, Emily lives in Kansas with her husband, having recently relocated from Wisconsin.
She has been sober for more than three-and-a-half years, although rebuilding her life has been a gradual process.
One of the most difficult aspects of recovery has been confronting events from her past that she cannot remember.
‘There are memories I don’t have, things I’ve learned about my past that are difficult to process, and parts of my life that I’m still trying to understand,’ she said.
She has also had to rebuild relationships and accept the impact her drinking had on those closest to her.
‘Eventually, I started experiencing things I had taken for granted before, like being present with my family, remembering conversations, building a relationship with my husband, and being able to make plans without alcohol controlling every decision,’ she said.
Emily now shares her experiences publicly in the hope of reaching others struggling with alcohol dependence.
‘I know what it’s like to believe you’re too far gone, and I know what it’s like to be given another chance at life,’ she said.
‘I’m not sharing the ugly parts because I’m proud of what I did while drinking. I’m sharing them because I know someone out there might be living through the same things and believing there’s no way out.’
If you or someone you know is struggling with alcohol use, please contact a healthcare provider or a local support hotline.
Resources and help lines for each Australian state can be found here.
If you are in the United States all resources and help lines can be found here.