Dear Amanda,
I need your advice. When I met my partner, I immediately noticed that his penis looked unusual. It is shaped like a button mushroom, and is roughly the same size.
At first, I convinced myself it did not matter because I loved everything else about him. We dated, married and I believed I could learn to accept it.
I was in denial and told myself sex was not especially important.
But over time, I have been unable to ignore how dissatisfied I feel in the bedroom. Our love is genuine, yet I cannot imagine spending the rest of my life having sex with, well, a vegetable.
The other evening, we arranged a romantic night together. I lit candles and wore sexy underwear, hoping to make things more exciting, but I still could not orgasm.
I feel awful admitting this, but I am beginning to think about having an affair.
Hungry for More.
Daily Mail columnist Amanda Goff (pictured) advises a woman who is struggling with the size and shape of her husband’s penis
Dear Hungry for More,
I know I am supposed to be a grown-up, but the vegetable jokes are almost impossible to resist. A button mushroom? He sounds like a real fun-gi…
Enough, Amanda. Beneath the jokes, this is a serious and deeply personal issue. Having a penis that looks different can affect a man’s confidence, vulnerability and sex life. I sincerely hope you have never made him feel inadequate about it; the last thing he needs is to be reminded of a physical insecurity by the person he loves.
Here is something I have learned: sex with a man who has a small, unusual or simply different-looking penis can be fantastic. He may be more inclined to use his hands, mouth and imagination rather than relying entirely on penetration.
Many men assume a large penis is all it takes for good sex — a quick, forceful session that leaves everyone underwhelmed. For many women, that approach is tiring, uncomfortable and can even contribute to irritation or urinary tract infections.
Let us be clear: size does not determine whether someone is a skilled or attentive lover.
For many women, penetration alone is not enough to reach orgasm. The clitoris, rather than the penis, is often central to sexual pleasure.
So before you start searching for a zucchini, consider the obvious questions. Have you tried sex toys or oral sex? Do you know what genuinely turns you on, and have you explained that clearly to your husband?
“Sex with a man who has a small, unusual or simply different-looking penis can be fantastic,” writes Amanda Goff. (Stock image posed by models)
A large penis is not automatically the solution. During my Samantha X years, I met a client whose wife had left him because his penis was extremely large — reportedly around the size and width of two Coke cans. I felt sorry for him; penetration had become impossible, and she eventually left him for a colleague.
As for hiring a male escort, I am not going to judge you or clutch my pearls. As a former escort, I know people seek paid sex for many different reasons. Who am I, or anyone else, to condemn them?
However, have you discussed your unhappiness with your partner? If you have not, that conversation needs to happen. It will not be easy to tell the man you love that, although he fulfils so many parts of your life, you would like to explore other possibilities in the bedroom. Try to imagine how you would feel if the situation were reversed.
Do not tell him that he comes to mind whenever you walk through the vegetable aisle at Coles, and do not compare him with some fictional Adonis. But you can speak gently and honestly about exploring other options together.
He may be open to the idea — perhaps it is something he has considered before — or he may be devastated. You must respect either reaction. You are entitled to intimacy, but he is equally entitled to expect fidelity. Hiring an escort without his knowledge would be a betrayal, and the secrecy could damage your relationship and your own sense of integrity.
You say you love him, so show that love in practical ways. Consider seeing a sex therapist, make communication a priority and approach the issue with compassion. A relationship is not simply about keeping a good partner so no one else can have them; it is also about protecting their dignity, feelings and trust.
Dear Amanda,
I am in a strange situation. Porn, sex chats and anything kinky can turn me on, but when I am with my wife, I cannot become aroused.
She is beautiful and I find her incredibly attractive, but she travels for work a lot. When she comes home, she wants us to have an exciting sex life, and I cannot perform.
I am embarrassed and would like to speak to a doctor, but I feel too ashamed.
All Porned Out.
“Porn, sex chats and anything kinky can turn me on, but when I am with my wife, I cannot become aroused,” a man tells Amanda. (Stock image)
Dear All Porned Out,
Let us deal with the medical side first: your doctor has seen every kind of body and bodily fluid, so there is no reason to feel embarrassed in the consultation room.
I once knew a female GP who complained about her salary and joked that she could have become a sex worker because she had examined so many patients that she was completely desensitised.
So put your embarrassment aside and make an appointment with your GP to rule out any underlying medical problem.
Now for the more complicated part: your porn use. I am hardly a prude, and I have always been open about my time in the adult industry. I understand the world of pornography, the people involved and the uncomfortable truth that the sex industry is not always primarily about sex.
This is not about judging you. Many women watch porn too. But, like gambling, pornography should come with a warning: this is fantasy, not reality, and it is intended for occasional entertainment.
Porn, online sex chats and virtual kink are designed to stimulate and entertain, not to teach people how real intimacy works. Bodies, performances and scenarios are exaggerated. Nobody seems to get a cramp, lose an erection, need a break or simply have a headache. It is fantasy — do not mistake it for an accurate picture of sex.
Now to the central issue: your lack of arousal with your wife. I am glad you wrote in because it sounds as though some difficult questions need to be answered. Has pornography become an escape? With your wife frequently away, has it become a substitute for companionship and intimacy — a few clicks that provide an instant release?
Marriage requires time, effort and emotional involvement. From what you describe, your wife is being compared — unfairly — with performers and carefully constructed online fantasies. That is an impossible standard for anyone, particularly someone balancing a demanding career.
I am not suggesting that porn has erased your attraction to your wife. Desire is complicated, and every relationship experiences quieter periods. But when you become accustomed to instant stimulation, real-life intimacy can feel slower and less exciting by comparison.
My advice is to close the laptop and give your mind, your marriage and your right hand a break.
That does not mean pornography is shameful or that you can never watch it again. But something needs to reset in your relationship. Rather than asking why your wife is not exciting you, start considering how you can help her feel desired — and how you can reconnect with her.
For now, take penetration off the agenda and focus on intimacy and foreplay. I do not mean doing the housework or offering a distracted back rub. I mean making your wife feel wanted. When did you last kiss her with genuine passion? When did you touch her affectionately without expecting sex in return? Take her out, ask what she enjoys and remove the pressure to perform.
That leads to the most important question: have you talked honestly with her? My guess is that you have not. You may be embarrassed or worried about hurting her, but silence will not solve the problem.
Do not tell her that she no longer turns you on. Instead, ask how she feels about your sex life and listen to the answer. Be prepared for an honest conversation and consider seeing a sex therapist together if you need help. You are still attracted to her, and you want the marriage to work — that is an important starting point.
So switch off the laptop, put down the baby oil and start rebuilding your connection from the basics.