DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have been together for 35 years. As we prepared to celebrate our 34th anniversary, he invited a female acquaintance to spend the night at our vacation home. Unbeknownst to him, our adult children had discreetly placed a trail camera in the area, capturing his indiscretion. When confronted, he had no choice but to confess to me.
Though his actions left me hurt, they didn’t surprise me. I’ve long suspected an emotional affair between them. I warned him it could jeopardize his career, yet he ignored my caution.
Following the ordeal, I requested he attend marriage counseling with me and express contrition to our children, but he refused both requests. I pursued therapy alone for six months. We continue to live together under the same roof. His affair unveiled the extent of his dishonesty, infidelity, and betrayal. I am now acutely aware of his flaws and find myself disliking him, especially as he shifts the blame for his betrayal onto me.
I am uncertain whether I can remain in this marriage. Infidelity affects not just the spouse but the entire family. My investment in our marriage is significant, especially now that I’m retired, making the decision to leave daunting. Struggling with deep unhappiness, I seek advice on coping with this emotional turmoil. — DESTROYED IN WISCONSIN
DEAR DESTROYED: You face an important crossroads in your life. It’s time to revisit your therapist or consider finding a new one to guide you as you envision your future. According to your letter, you live with a man who blames you for his infidelities and whom you neither trust nor admire. Counsel can help you decide the best way forward.
As you enter therapy, please line up appointments with several attorneys who specialize in family law. These individuals can educate you about what your rights are as a wife of 35 years in Wisconsin, which, I believe, is a community property state. Once you know where you stand financially, starting over again may not seem so frightening.
P.S. Normally under these circumstances, I would advise the cheated-upon spouse to make an appointment to be checked for STDs, but because the relationship you have with your husband since he strayed is so frosty, it may not be necessary in your case.
DEAR ABBY: I love my wife. We’ve been married for 34 years. She watches more sports events than I do, no matter who is playing. I only like to watch the teams I like. I couldn’t care less about other teams.
What can I do for a little peace besides having to leave the room? I am the only one working – and I work more than 50 hours a week. All I want sometimes is some peace and QUIET. — GAMED OUT IN ARIZONA
DEAR GAMED OUT: If you need peace and quiet during your off time, buy a second television set and put it in another room of the house. That way, your wife can enjoy her sporting events, and you can have the peace and quiet you need in order to recharge.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.