At 10, Chloe was outgoing, cheerful and well liked. Within her first two years of secondary school, however, that confident child had changed dramatically.
There appeared to be no clear reason, other than the cliques and rivalries common among adolescent girls, but her friendship group gradually pushed her aside. Rejected and bewildered, Chloe became increasingly anxious, isolated and withdrawn.
By 15, school was almost the only reason she left her bedroom. Her mother, Charlotte, recalls the experience with a sadness that remains undiminished. ‘She stopped going out,’ she says. ‘She wouldn’t come for a walk or even come downstairs to eat with us. All her happiness disappeared.’
Chloe’s distress — and her mother’s sense of powerlessness — will be painfully familiar to many families. Estimates suggest that England is now home to around a quarter of a million teenagers who rarely leave their bedrooms.
Research from the Centre for Social Justice has highlighted the scale of the problem, finding that one in three 15-year-olds say they scarcely leave their bedroom except to attend school.
The report describes a growing ‘bedroom generation’: young people who spend their free time alone, absorbed in phones and computers, rather than meeting friends, gaining confidence and developing independence beyond the home.
Experts point to a combination of causes, including damaging social media, excessive time online and the loneliness some teenagers experience when both parents work full-time. The pandemic intensified the problem. This generation spent crucial years in lockdown, confined to bedrooms and homes whether they wanted that isolation or not.
Shocking research by the Centre for Social Justice reports that one third of 15-year-olds say they barely leave their bedroom except to attend school (posed by model)
In Chloe’s case, it was the bewildering hurt of rejection and unkindness from her peers that drove her indoors. Charlotte remembers how quickly the situation could turn. ‘She might excitedly tell me that she and her friends were meeting up, then an hour later I’d find her sobbing because they had gone out without telling her.’
There was, Charlotte says, also relentless judgment about weight, body image and being thin. ‘It was incredibly painful. Eventually it all became too much, and she retreated to her bedroom. She went from a happy, sociable little girl to someone who simply did not go out.’
Charlotte tried to intervene and admits she felt intense anger towards the ‘spiteful’ girls. ‘I called one of their mothers and asked what was happening. They said it wasn’t intentional and that they all loved my daughter, but that wasn’t the reality. Things kept getting worse until persuading Chloe even to leave her room for school became a daily struggle.’
Mornings became a carefully managed routine. ‘I’d get up early, make her tea and prepare snacks. The school bus would stop outside and her siblings would get on, but Chloe would refuse and begin dry-retching. It happened every day, so I had to drive her.’
Once home, Chloe followed the same pattern. ‘She’d make tea, get some biscuits, go upstairs and change into her pyjamas. Then she’d spend hours in bed on her phone, constantly scrolling. She listened to podcasts too.’ Charlotte considered cutting off the internet, but her other children needed it for their studies. ‘I couldn’t simply announce that the Wi-Fi would be turned off at 10pm.’
At times, Chloe would carry family meals upstairs and eat in bed. Charlotte objected and tried to stop the habit, but found herself struggling to impose any meaningful consequence. ‘What could I threaten her with?’ she asks.
‘If you don’t eat with the family, then what?’ Charlotte says. Even when Chloe did come downstairs, meals could end abruptly. ‘She’d say, “I don’t like this, I’m not eating it,” then storm back upstairs.’
Charlotte continued trying to draw her out. ‘I always knocked because I wanted to respect her privacy. I’d tell her that staying in her room all the time wasn’t healthy, but she found that incredibly irritating.’ Chloe also abandoned her weekend judo sessions. ‘She said she was perfectly happy in her room, but I didn’t believe that was true.’
Her lifestyle began affecting her physical health as well. ‘She started snacking constantly, and there was food everywhere. Her room became untidy, and so did she. She looked pale and gained weight because she was no longer exercising.’
As Chloe’s months of isolation stretched into years, Charlotte says she became ‘utterly desperate’.
‘I would pull the car over on the way home from the supermarket and cry at the roadside. I genuinely believed we might be trapped in that awful situation forever.’
With few immediate solutions, Charlotte focused on persistence and small gestures. ‘It was obvious that Chloe was troubled and unhappy, so I had to keep trying. If she told me she was watching something she enjoyed on her phone, I’d suggest we watch it together in the sitting room. I ended up watching a lot of true crime.’ Chloe was also close to Charlotte’s creative, artistic father. ‘He would bring over art materials, and sometimes that was enough to persuade her to come downstairs.’
Now Chloe is 18, and has made progress. She’s working in a library but Charlotte says: ‘I’m not entirely sure she’s out of the hermit phase.’
Dr Elizabeth Kilbey, a leading consultant clinical psychologist and educational expert, understands the complexity of the struggles surrounding adolescent self-isolation
Apart from her job, ‘she doesn’t go out, and still spends a lot of time in her room’. ‘She’s still incredibly reliant on me. She’s learning to drive, but says, “I like it when you drive me because we’re together.” But if I invite her to go out with me to the theatre, she’ll say: “Maybe.” I want to shout, “Just say yes!”
‘It’s very upsetting. It’s so alien to us as parents. It’s not how we lived and it’s not how we want them to live. It’s not what I thought her life would be. Not engaging with the outside world is not a good thing. It’s half a life.’
Dr Elizabeth Kilbey, a leading consultant clinical psychologist and educational expert, understands the complexity of the struggle.
‘The job of adolescence is to grow up, move on and out,’ she says. But that’s a ‘difficult’ task – perhaps more so now than ever – while cosying up in your room is comfortable and unchallenging. ‘[If you stay in your bedroom], you have none of the responsibility,’ she says, ‘and the cupboards are magically refilled.’
She also notes that wanting time alone away from parents is entirely normal in adolescence. Yet anxiety, loneliness and screen addiction can turn that normal tendency into an unhealthy withdrawal from all social contact and build up serious problems for the future. ‘Hermit teenagers’ miss out on an important life stage in the process of maturing and becoming a confident adult.
But there’s a lot parents can do. Here, Dr Kilbey shares practical advice on helping your child…
What our expert says about boys
1. Ask him to leave his door open
Tell him: ‘Yes, you’re in your room but I expect you to have your door open.’ Otherwise, he’s shut off and knocking feels intrusive. With the door open, you can wander past, chat or find excuses to interact.
If he says he needs privacy acknowledge that there are times when privacy is appropriate, like bedtime, but that no one needs 24/7 privacy. Say: ‘You also need exposure. Too much privacy is like solitary confinement. Maintaining the skills to interact with others is also important.’
2. Bring devices out of his room, even for a bit
What’s pulling him into his bedroom? If it is comfortable, with everything he likes and needs inside – screens, gaming devices, meals delivered – what’s pushing him out?
Can you bring the activity out of the bedroom? Rethink your rule around devices – it should be about balance.
Say: ‘I’ve noticed you’re spending ages alone in your room. It’s really important we spend time together as a family and interact. It’s good for making sure everyone’s OK. So before dinner, I expect us to all be in the lounge. If you want to game then, do it downstairs. After dinner, you can game in your room.’
3. Don’t dictate what you do together
Make yourself available. Put your phone down, give him your attention. Entice him out with his favourite food or see if he would like to cook it with you. Is there something on YouTube he’s into that you could watch together?
The point is you get to sit on the sofa beside your son. It doesn’t even have to be downstairs. If he’s happy, go into his room and watch or game there. Teen boys love it when they can show you what interests them rather than be told what they should be doing.
4. Give him little things to do to help out
Ask him to feed the cat, cut the grass or pop out for milk (‘and get yourself some biscuits’). Small interventions work. Teenagers are good at doing. They’re interested in developing autonomy.
The young generation spent their formative years in long periods of lockdown, forced to stay in their bedrooms whether they wanted to or not
Give him responsibility. Say: ‘Go and buy the ingredients for a meal you want to cook, here’s the money.’ Give him choice. Weaponise your incompetence (‘I can’t find this on my phone…’). Helping others builds competence and makes teenagers feel important. He might claim taking Grandma to the garden centre is ‘lame’ but he’ll feel good.
5. Make expectations explicit – and persist
This is a war of attrition. ‘We’re all going to have dinner together on Friday.’ Slowly, gently persist in maintaining a relationship with your son. Avoid big rows.
When he hibernates, it’s easy to think: ‘I’m bothering him.’ No – frame it as: ‘I’m your parent, I love and value you and want to spend time with you, and ultimately it’s good for you.’ Be confident – and express that to him.
6. Boys might need support from outside
It might be easier for your son to take advice from or confide any worries in someone younger or detached from the family. A trusted sports coach, a favourite uncle or older cousin.
If he’s in an unco-operative phase, lectures from overt authority figures won’t help. Boys don’t like long explanations. Are you adapting your communication style to short and sweet? Humour is disarming. It sidesteps the hierarchy without being patronising and builds connection.
And how to get through to girls
1. Be a detective to see what’s causing issues
A certain amount of wanting to be in your bedroom as a teenager is normal. But, as with nearly everything in child development, too much of something isn’t good and usually comes at a cost. Parents cannot discount the possibility that their teenager is hiding because she’s feeling very anxious or low.
Our first job is to go in and find out what’s going on. Listen and understand what’s bothering her. Is she retreating because she feels isolated at school? Is she withdrawing because of what she’s reading or seeing online?
2. If there’s a friendship gap, fill that space
Teens want their parents’ help. They want us to be surrogate friends when they haven’t got anyone; then the minute they have, you’re dropped.
What does she enjoy that you could do with her? Could you go to the cinema, park, gym, shopping centre, craft centre, get your nails done?
It won’t be as cool as hanging with mates, but she won’t miss out on doing fun things. Or enlist a sibling, cousin, grandparent to take her out or just visit.
3. Stick to some rules, be flexible on others
Surprisingly, teenagers like rules. They like to know where they stand. It’s fine to have reasonable rules, like: ‘You don’t eat alone in your bedroom.’ However, if this rule is unbreakable, be flexible on another.
Wanting time alone away from parents is entirely normal in adolescence. Yet anxiety, loneliness and screen addiction can turn that normal tendency into an unhealthy withdrawal
Allow your daughter to feel that she has some agency or she won’t come to the table at all. Hibernating is a way of exerting power. In her bedroom, she controls everything. It’s a form of resistance and self-protection. The more control you try to exert, the more she has to push back against. There must be give and take.
4. Work on building structure into her day
At weekends, the hermit situation requires effort. Keep an eye on her sleep cycle. If she’s rising at 3pm, she didn’t go to bed at 9pm.
Establish a reasonable wake-up time. Enforcing this involves bearing the discomfort of her resistance and disapproval. But think, what pulls rather than pushes her into the world. The lure of croissants from the patisserie? A cafe coffee? What can you use as leverage?
5. Choose your battles carefully
Working with a teenager is like managing a difficult employee. You have to be clear, reinforce the bits that you like, gently correct the bits that you don’t, and understand that they’re autonomous.
Collaboration is key. ‘OK, you can spend some time in your bedroom, but now put your duvet in the wash.’ Choose your battles.
6. Take the lead – and be the voice of reason
Friendship issues feel intense and catastrophic. It’s tempting to give great weight to what she’s thinking and feeling. But they also change in an instant: Teenagers can be distraught, then get a nice message and instantly be fine (and you’re left reeling).
You are the voice of reason, balance and authority.
Sympathise. Say: ‘I understand it feels like that for you now, but I don’t think that will always be the case. I can see it feels overwhelming, but we still need to carry on.’
Understand that when teens are stuck in an emotion, they don’t know what to do. They need parents to take over for a bit.
